This is from roughly 35 years ago, but no matter what happens, I think this will always be my funniest pet tale.
I’ve always been really interested in making, so my mother and I went to a craft store to get supplies in preparation for the autumn craft fairs. I had purchased three yards of red velvet ribbon, each measuring 1/4″, 1/2″, and 1″. One night, while working on something, I had all of my supplies in a box by my bed. When I grew weary, I placed everything back into the box, switched off the lamp on my bedside table, and went to sleep.
I woke up at approximately six the following morning, sat up, and glanced around the room to clear my mind of the slumber. My heart stopped when I noticed that one end of a three-foot length of 1/4″ red velvet ribbon that was laying on the ground had been bitten. I quickly checked to make sure everyone was alright by looking for my two pets. Tee Cee was sound asleep on the floor beside the bed, in a semi-upside-down posture. Augie was sitting on the corner of the bed looking quite plump, like a meatloaf. I knew exactly what he had done, so I worried right away.
After seeing my Dad off to work thirty minutes earlier, I ran down the hall to wake up my mom, who was only half awake. I sobbed as I stood in front of her, saying, “Mom! Augie has to see the vet, so we must! He scarfed down six lengths of scarlet velvet ribbon.” “Oh, that can’t be!” she replied, glancing at me. Though I was certain and SWORE that he had swallowed it, he most likely bit it in two and dragged a piece of it off somewhere.
Mom tried to console me by telling me that it couldn’t be inside the cat; he had to have dragged it off somewhere while playing with it. If he had attempted to swallow six feet of ANYTHING at once, he would have suffocated before he could get it down. I’m not sure I’d be persuaded.
As we were having our disagreement, Augie started to honk down the hallway while holding his tail straight up and—you got it—protruding his butt by six inches of red velvet ribbon! After telling Mom to get ready, I picked up Augie, toweled him off, and we went to the veterinarian. We just had 30 minutes left, so I reasoned that it would be better to arrive when he opened his doors at 7:30.
The little Indian guy who had been Augie’s veterinarian for many years was also ours. He sensed something was seriously wrong when he spotted us in the parking lot when he was opening his door since he knew we were animal lovers and didn’t freak out over trivial things. He approached the vehicle and led the way inside the structure.
The crimson velvet ribbon peeking out from behind Augie’s tail caused his eyes to enlarge. Donning a pair of gloves, he grasped the ribbon’s end and cautiously tugged at it. When he encountered no resistance, he began to carefully pull on the ribbon.
Let’s go back to the 1970s with the comic Art Metrano. He would perform a fake “magic” show in which he would do foolish things like hold up both hands, one with two fingers up and the other with none. Subsequently, he would make a fist and raise one finger on each hand. Once again, he would bump them against each other, causing the two fingers to land on the hand that didn’t have any fingers at first. You see what I mean. He kept chanting “DA da DA DA, da DA da DA DA” to the tune of “Fine and Dandy.” I would have soundtracked this disaster with this song.
The doctor continued to gently tug, and as he did so, Augie’s eyes grew bigger and wider and he would sometimes yell, “WOW” At last, the physician stood there with a six-foot-long length of crimson velvet ribbon smeared with crap. The vet was so short that he had to stand on tiptoes to prevent the ribbon from dragging on the floor, and both Augie and I looked scared.
He now makes the decision that he would want to demonstrate to the individuals in his waiting area how he began his day. With six feet of shit-covered red velvet ribbon in tow, he tiptoes into the waiting area and declares, “You are not going to be believing what I have just taken from this cat’s hiney.” I wanted to die as the waiting room burst into laughing, and Augie gave him this look like, “Will you call me? When I asked my poor mother to “Get dressed, we’re going to the vet,” earlier that morning, all she could manage to gather was a red flowery top and purple checkered shorts. When I turned to look at her, I saw that she was wearing the outfit.
I’ve been extremely cautious of putting anything stringy around my kitties ever since. Even though I had a great time that morning, I don’t want to do it again in this lifetime.